THE EARLY LEAD: House hunting in the post-pandemic era

By BRANDON HURLEY
Managing Editor
news@beeherald.com

I didn’t think finding a house would be easy, but I certainly had no idea it’d be this difficult.

My partner, son and I have been looking to find our own home for about a year and a half now, to little avail. It’s been rough sledding most of the way.
From too much money to down right ugly, we’ve had a hell of a time in the last two or so years.

Initially, we swam our way through an incredibly hot housing market. Homes were going off well over asking price, sometimes $15-20 grand above the mark. Some of these buyers were purchasing the property with cash, a tactic we certainly aren’t blessed with. Then, the market quickly dried up, with very few houses available. Now, though there are homes available, they either require a ton of work or ones we don’t like once we take a look at them.
A quick little caveat: We live in Boone. Being an old, mining community, there are a ton of very old homes still around. The oldest one we’ve looked at was built in the 1880s, that’s 140 years ago. And let me tell you, we’ve seen quite a number of interesting things.

We’ve toured a lot of crap homes and scrolled past a bunch of terrifying properties. They were either too small, too big, too old and ragged or just too darn expensive. We’ve even put in a few offers mere moments after touring the homes, only to get out-bid by several others each time. There was a point last year when buyers were putting in offers without actually looking at the house. I, for one, couldn’t imagine buying a home without ever stepping foot inside. Pictures definitely don’t tell the entire story, and you never get a true feel until you’ve experienced the place.

Basements in these homes are typically a tad unsettling. A lot of darkness, often damp and occasionally confusing. My hunch is some of these places were used for mafia or gang hangouts. You really can get lost in those basement nook and crannies. It gives me the creeps. I can only imagine the critters and bugs that have been crawling around down there for ages.
We’ve looked at rotting houses, with the decks falling apart and kitchen tiles completely torn to shreds. Basements have leaked, foundations have been cracked, garages have been tiny, driveways are torn to shreds. Even one house we nearly pulled the trigger on sorely lacked light fixtures. While not the end of the world, we didn’t want to conduct any major electrical projects.

It’s been a process, to say the least. The market seems to be slowing, but the pickings are slim.

Let’s be real, my partner and I each have our own set of requirements for our first home, and they don’t always match up. First of all, we are currently a family of three, and in the future, that’ll likely balloon to five. So, naturally, we need more than two bedrooms. And multiple bathrooms, obviously. We have a teenager now, we can’t be sharing one facility.
I’m a writer and a journalist, so I need a home office. I’d also like an area separate from the office as a pseudo-man cave. A space where I can zone out, throw some sports on the big screen or tune into some ear-rattling music. My son and girlfriend aren’t as nutty about sports as me, so this is a necessity. But I also want this man-cave/second family room/basement to be inclusive as well. I want us all to be able to join together to watch a movie or our favorite tv show together. If the home doesn’t come with a man-cave area but we are still drawn to it, the place better include a large two-car, heated garage. I don’t mind stepping outside the home to get some bro time, just keep me within the property lines.

A yard is also a must, and that’s something we all agree on. We’d like to have a decent kitchen with room to cook. I’d personally like the bedrooms to be a little spaced apart, but that’s not always possible in the market we are in.
Let’s dream a little, since the holidays are in full force, I’ve compiled my house Christmas list - what would I want in my home if money, availability and location weren’t issues?
Oh, have I got a list for you, Santa. I’ve been somewhat good, mostly naughty, but life ain’t fun if you’re not breaking rules, right? Ask for forgiveness later.  

Naturally, I want an underground, 13-car, heated garage-bat cave hybrid with elevator access. Allow me to deck that thing out with a massive tool box, a number of big-screen TVs on the wall and the most memorabilia imaginable. Of course, with us living in Iowa and the threat of a monster storm coming, we need a heated driveway. My days of shoveling are gone.

Next, I want an indoor/outdoor pool combination. One of those infinity pool set ups on the outside with an underwater canal leading to the inside, heated portion. Let’s get the water fall and hot tub included as well, because we need those. Also included with my outdoor oasis needs to be an outdoor kitchen, a smokeless fire pit, a projection screen, several permanent hammocks and of course, one or two heating lamps. The outdoors are my jam, but I also need to maintain many of my viewing habits.

Which leads me to my next wishlist item – I need  a home theater, complete with a 150-inch 4K projection screen an incredible surround sound system and legitimate, reclining theater seats with a heating and cooling option. I’m never leaving, I’ll just be watching all the movies and sporting events. With that being said, I want plenty of room for my friends and family to enjoy the home movie theater with me.
Adjacent to the movie theater has to be a beautifully crafted wet bar, complete with a couple of taps for draught beer and a round ice machine. The sound system in the bar-room has to be bumping, along with a pool table and several TVs solely meant for sports viewing.

A pristine kitchen is a must, a space with a marble island where my fam and I can congregate around everyday. We need one of those fancy pizza ovens and a state-of-the-art industrial-sized dishwasher, like the kind successful restaurants use. I’m over doing the dishes.

As a throwback to my old soul, I also want a living room that’s void of any screens or clutter. I want to bring the art of discussion and reading back. My dream home needs to have an electric fireplace and two, comfy as hell couches. The lighting has to be adjustable so I can skim the hundreds of books I’ll store on my custom made, floor to ceiling wooden book shelves.

That should do it for my dream home. Everything else can fill in around it, I’m sure I’d be content. Here’s to hoping we find a few of these things in our continued house hunting.